Disclaimer: this post is rambling and not proof read or edited as tightly as I normally do.
I want to know all the answers. I don’t know all the answers. Why do I think I should know all the answers? If someone said this to me I would tell them they’re crazy. I would be my normal sarcastic self and say it. The sarcastic self that I sometimes hate, but can’t seem to stop being.
Life is hard. It’s been harder these past few years on a different level than the other hard years I’ve lived through. After moving out of the area we grew up, about five months later, I noticed my blood pressure jumped 20 points. It floored me. I always enjoyed very healthy, low numbers. Even when I was chubby and eating like crap. I went on my way and just hoping it was a fluke reading.
But the next time it was the same. And the next time. And the next. It road at that same spot for a couple years. Then suddenly jumped another 10 points. What?! That freaked me out a little more. Fast forward to present day and it has continued to rise and is now scaring me. I finally made an appointment with a new doctor in my area. I have been thinking, and hoping, it was just stress induced since I’ve gone through a lot of changes in the past four years.
I was counting on it coming back down now that things are settling out for me. It hasn’t and so now I’m getting worked up about it – which isn’t helping matters. I am having some other physical issues I’m not happy about. My knee started snapping when I bent it too quickly about a year ago and in the past few months it has really, really started actually hurting. I’ve had to steal myself from saying one of my most hated comments, “guess I’m getting old.” I don’t buy that. I won’t! It’s against everything I’m about – taking care of your body so it can take care of you.
I also seem to be having more difficulty with some issues like worry, jealousy, forgiveness – both of others and myself. My kombucha has also been failing for months now, and that in itself is also causing me grief and upset. I know, it’s just kombucha, but it’s been a huge part of my life for years and I now believe it has actually been a comfort to me. And now that’s not there.
I journal most days in the morning during my “devotional time with God” which has been more of a worry session than a comfort and communing with him session as it should be. I just can’t seem to get a hold of my thoughts. I focus on things I don’t like or I’m fearful about. Things I have little to no control over. I ruminate on what I see other people doing instead of focusing on and being thankful for the things I’m doing.
To even type all this out with the understanding that someone might one day read it makes me weirdly nervous because it feels weak. As if I am so mighty and in control of everything. If someone else would say such a thing to me I would be gentle and compassionate with them and probably cheer them on in their willingness to be vulnerable. Crazy, right?
I’ve decided I need to up my game in terms of caring for myself, both physically and mentally. I think I may have been resting on my laurels, so to speak, since I’ve never had very significant issues that drove me toward the changes I made in my health. I’ve read tons of other people’s stories about their journey to wellness and now I have to believe “it” can happen for me, too. The rubber is hitting the road and it doesn’t feel too good.
I’m still laughing as often as I can, even though I’m feeling pretty stressed about this blood pressure thing. Laughter is good medicine. I’m believing it will be something I walk through that will enable me to help someone else at some point.
** I hope that if there is an ad attached to this blog it is not offensive. I don’t pay for this and so I have no choice.